i keep seeing the post that talks about why you should date a writer and it’s really rather lovely, but i dated a writer one time and i feel like i should warn you that sometimes writers just like to say words because they sound pretty and they can use them for their novel or screenplay.
i’ve never been so disappointed and frustrated by the people who are supposed to be my “brothers and sisters in christ” than i am at this very moment.
hesitant to post this.
i’m beginning to despise this… christian culture/generation i find myself in.
this is bad. seeing as how i am a christian, just got a job at my church, and ultimately want to be a worship leader.
i, obviously, because i have a brain, have never been a fan of “christians” of the westboro baptist type, who just spew hate and damnation wherever they set foot.
but recently, i’ve just grown to shudder at the things that used to comfort me. this… christian lingo. “he’ll use you as an instrument”, and “the lord has a plan for you” and “prayer heals” and bless this and bless that and this situation will be blessed and whatever. all cliches. all just make me angry. all i am having a hard time believing are genuine.
lots of people do a lot of things just to make themselves sound better. they hide behind their lengthy, elegantly worded prayers and memorization of scripture because they want people to think they’re good, holy. myself included.
at least, for right now, i’m finally being honest.
to print out and put on fridge.
right now,
i just want someone to cut the bullshit with me. i don’t want someone who’s going to spout out unintelligent, “inspirational”, meaningless sentences at me. i don’t want someone to tell me that they totally understand what i’m going through and then proceed to turn the conversation to them and their problem and how they handled it or didn’t handle it so now their life sucks, too and expect for that to help me or comfort me. i don’t want someone to tell me how much the lord is going to bless me and how he works all things for our good or how god has someone perfect for me or any other of the christian cliches i’ve heard a million times but never do anything. i don’t want someone to bark at me to get over it and act exhausted when i just need to talk. i don’t want advice. i don’t want lectures. i don’t want someone to try to convince me that they understand.
because they don’t. they won’t. they didn’t have what i had and they didn’t feel how i felt.
i just want someone to be real with me and admit that it all just really, really sucks right now, and it’ll suck for a long time, and maybe it’ll stop sucking so bad one of these days, but until then, just hold me when i cry and take me to a theme park.
the mixes you made me a year ago are still really good today. i’m glad i can listen to them now without getting sad. we basically had the exact same taste in music and i miss talking about bands with you. i really hope you’re doing okay.
so i never knew i could do this thing with my eyes until a couple days ago.
i know, i’m so qt~
not sure what i’m getting myself into… ever.
i’m back home from florida.
i spent five days with max, my boyfriend, in fort myers/cape coral and we had a lot of fun. i met his dog, champ, and a lot of his friends who were so very nice and welcoming. my favorite part of the whole trip was when we went to a barbeque at max’s friend, jesús’ house. i witnessed all of max’s friends from high school reactions when they saw him and it was hilarious and beautiful, actually. they ran towards him, they picked him up and spun him around, they screamed with joy. it was amazing to see how much happiness these people got from seeing him, and it made me proud, for some weird reason. it was just really wonderful to see max’s home, where he grew up, since he is over in my town/at my house all the time. he showed me old pictures from when he was a kid and his aunt and uncle took us out to dinner. we were supposed to leave at six this morning so i could be back on hilton head by five for work… but the car’s battery died and we had to take it to the shop. thankfully i got someone to cover my shift and we didn’t end up leaving until ten, with the car running smoothly. the drive back home was just as fun as the trip itself, actually. i’m happy to be back, though, in my bed. and i’m so excited for the intense sleeping that’s about to go down.
to do tomorrow:
1.) laundry.
2.) pick up prescriptions and face moisturizer at walgreens.
3.) fiesta fresh for lunch? since i’ll be right there and everything…
4.) back home, take delicates out to dry.
5.) packpackpack.
6.) hair appointment at 12:30.
7.) leave for work at 4:40ish.
8.) get off work at 9 pm.
9.) stop at house, put (hopefully) dry delicates that i need to bring in suitcase.
10.) have dad drive me to savannah & drop me off at max’s house.
11.) leave for fort myers in the morning.
12.) pray that south florida/bluffton/hilton head island/savannah gets totally avoided by hurricane irene and that everyone is safe and that max & i have fun on our trip to visit his family, woooooo!
“i’m yours and that’s it. whatever.”
today i woke up at 8:45 after falling asleep at four am. i didn’t care, i was so excited about today. i drove to chick-fil-a and got breakfast for me and breakfast for max (sweet tea because it’s his newfound obsession and a spicy chicken breakfast burrito because he likes all things spicy). i then stopped at walgreens and got a disposable camera. i continued to drive to savannah. the weather was perfect. when i got to max’s house, he came outside to find me in the park across the street with a picnic blanket and the chick-fil-a in a picnic basket waiting for him under a tree.
he couldn’t have looked happier.
afterwards, he played his banjo and i made him watch wedding videos and we went to world market where he helped me pick out curtains (but they all were too long) and new knobs for my green dresser (which were mostly a success). we then went downtown and walked around. we looked at outside-y stuff at half moon outfitters, got his mom bath fizzies for her birthday at the soap store called nourish, went to loose lucy’s, where the sales associate was outside hula hooping, so i could pick out a feather extension for my hair, and this expensive furniture store where we pretended that we were rich and could afford everything in the building. we then ventured down to city market and i wanted so badly to run into the fountains that shoot up from the ground, but couldn’t muster up the courage so the little kids that were playing there decided to chase after me and max, trying to splash us. it was fun and refreshing. we walked on bay street and went into a skate shop, which was really cool. as soon as we walked in, the friendliest little schnauzer named niko came to greet us. the owners were just as friendly, and the boards were sick. i am excited to go back. then we went to a massive antiques store that had tons of tea sets and civil war things and old telephones and tricycles and sewing machines… so much to explore. our last two stops were a cute, retro little diner called the soda pop shoppe where i had a delicious chocolate shake and banana, followed by the cupcake emporium. after lounging around in his apartment, i had to head back home and go to praise band practice. the lord really set it on my heart to say the opening prayer, even though i’m terrified of praying out loud for some reason, but i did it anyway. and it felt pretty wonderful. and i’m singing two solos this week and i love my church and the band members and that i get to sing every week while my dad plays guitar. he’s the best. just… i’m so incredibly blessed.
so. yes. max and i had so much fun exploring and learning and growing and loving and laughing and he held my hand and spun me around as we walked on the sidewalks and we took so many pictures and we’re in love and it’s strange but i’m so happy.
words.
birthday, go, music, love, movie, seizure?
…what the heck does that even mean?! i’m dying here.
